Artwork: Anonymous

My Speech For Tonight

Author: RIP '09
As seen in: The Celebration #

Hi everyone. I’m Jess’s father. Thank you all for coming to Jess’s sweet sixteen. It seems like only yesterday that my daughter was fifteen years, eleven months, and twentynine days old. [pause for laughs] All kidding aside, I want to keep this brief and say to my little girl how proud I am to be her father. | Jess, I love you with all my heart, and I thank God every day that I’m the lucky guy who gets to be your father, [pulls out gun and shoot neighbor] Everyone stay calm! There’s no need to panic. The man I killed is not a human. He is a robot. Look. Look at his chest, [pull out the wires] Do you see these? Robot wires. Ladies and gentlemen, I have reason to believe that eight months ago this robot killed and ate my real human neighbor with the intent to spy on me and my family, and I could not let that happen. I invited him here tonight to confirm once and for all whether he was man or machine, and I did that by studying his response to a tender moment between father and daughter that would sway even the hardest of human hearts. As suspected, this robot did not even bat an eye. I apologize for scaring everyone, but you have to understand that I had to outwit that robot. Please relax and enjoy the rest of the party. Jess, I love you. Also don’t forget to- [pull out gun, shoot dentist] Everyone stay calm! That was it. That was the last robot, I promise. Take a look at his wires. This robot was also going to kill me and my family, but it’s over now. Anyway, what I was going to say before is don’t forget to sign Jess’s poster board.