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Pieces

Operation Enduring Freedom
BWM '19-'21   •   October 2020
George Bush:  Good afternoon. On my orders the United States military has begun coordinated at…
Office Crush
73
YMC '21-'22   •   December 2022
From the moment I met Louise Arlington, I knew the girl was trouble. "Sir?", she said. My god, that…
Tales of Vengeance
24
MAG '21-'22   •   September 2021
For our upcoming issue, we asked some Lampoon subscribers to write in to share stories about times …
Snails Need Love Too
1
ZDG '20   •   November 2019
A darkly handsome bladesman stood at the edge of the clearing. I didn’t recognize him, but hi…
Olympic Curling
6
MFP '23-24   •  
Me: Hello, I’d like one ticket to watch the gold medal curling match, please. Cashier: I&rsq…
Texting on My Laptop
19
MAG '21-'22   •   February 2019
Me: Hey Sarah Me: Hey Me: Hey Sarah Me: Hey Sarah, sorry.  Me: I didn’t realize hitt…
Pervert Alert: My Friend Josh
67
FOD '24   •   December 2021
My friend Josh, hoo boy. That guy’s into some really fucked up stuff. Just look at him. Gre…
Chronological Excerpts from the Rochester Cult Massacre Reports
100
SMR '25   •   September 2022
Rick, 40 I’d better contribute something before anyone gets suspicious. “Let’s s…
The Art of the Username
11
PKS '21-'22   •   May 2020
Choosing a permanent username is a lot like choosing a name for your new baby insofar as it’s…
Excerpts From the Great American Novel
88
JLN '21-22   •   February 2020
It was time for them to head west with just the shirts on their backs and the shirts on their legs.…
Tom and Jerry Spec Script
13
HJH '19   •   October 2020
Tom is strolling along the railroad tracks, whistling a happy tune. Jerry walks parallel to Tom on …
At a wedding reception
9
SWR '19-'20   •   October 2020
Well, here goes nothing… (jumps up on table) Ahem! Mr. and Mrs. Martinez, I can’t le…
Van Gogh
67
JKF '25   •   September 2022
“Let’s start this interview with a simple question. Van, in just a few sentences, how d…
Barbershop Quartet
ZDG '20   •   January 2020
Lead: Fellas, meet the new fifth member of our quartet–Tom! Bass: Swell to meet ya Tom! Bar…
Medical Report
72
EPS '24   •  
I have this disease where everyday at 3 am three dudes kick the shit out of me.  It started p…
Judge, Jury, and Executioner
24
TAF '19   •   December 2020
…and now that I’ve got you, I’ll be your judge, jury, and executioner. Wait, …
Mr. 305
39
FOD '24   •   September 2021
Ever had somebody tell you that you looked like a celebrity? For some it’s a blessing, but fo…
Cowboy Fantasies
6
MAG '21-'22   •   March 2020
“I’ve been having cowboy fantasies again,” I mumble, before kicking through the s…
Morning Routine
15
HJH '19   •   December 2020
8:00am – Wake up and shower. This is easy if you sleep in the shower. 11:30am – Put so…
Love Song
MFP '23-24   •   November 2020
This next song goes out to Janet Fisher, a very special girl in my life. Janet are you here tonight…