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Pieces

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Inventing the Wheel
8
July 2021
Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you… the wheel! (Roaring applause) Just what exac…
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The Big Man on Campus
October 2018
Yesterday the Big Man on Campus came to class late and the professor apologized. The class cried be…
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Morning Routine
15
December 2020
8:00am – Wake up and shower. This is easy if you sleep in the shower. 11:30am – Put so…
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Churchill
11
July 2021
Winston Churchill, known for all of his political and military accomplishments, was also a Nobel Pr…
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Waterboy
89
January 2022
It’s my first day as waterboy. The rest of staff is nowhere to be found, so I guess I gotta…
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Rare
December 2020
Some things are less rare than you think. Winning the Lottery My friend Rigley won the lottery ye…
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Life After the Lampoon
18
August 2019
Conan O’Brien: Juan, congrats on graduating! Here, take this. Me: Wow, another Ferrari! Con…
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Biome
July 2021
Life ‘em up, boys. That’s what our sergeant used to say. Our job was to create the bigg…
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Crying in the Rain
1
October 2020
And I mean yeah they can’t see you cry in the rain, but shit right through your pants? People…
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If It Were Big Bird
May 2021
In 1986, instead of an elementary school teacher, NASA had initially considered Big Bird as their f…
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Squigley
10
December 2021
Carl Squigley always had his nose buried in a book, which was buried in a still-flushing toilet. He…
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Why I Wish I Was a Green Boy Instead of a Blue Boy
10
December 2020
I was born a blue boy, but my whole life I’ve wanted to be a big green boy. Green boys get to…
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President Nice Guy
18
December 2020
Richard Holton, our first Nice Guy president, eased out of the womb on December 24, 1921, giving do…
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An Undercover Cop In The Movie ‘Footloose’
May 2021
Psssst. Hey kids. Yeah you guys. Looking for a good time? I could help you out with some purchases …
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Ghost Hunters
32
December 2020
School’s out, plan is a go.  It’s officially Halloween.  My parents think I&r…
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My Speech For Tonight
9
October 2008
Hi everyone. I’m Jess’s father. Thank you all for coming to Jess’s sweet sixteen.…
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Letter to Roosevelt
January 2020
In 1939, at the urging of physicist Leo Szilárd, Einstein wrote a letter to FDR, informing h…