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Pieces

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Lawnmower
December 2020
Want to stop mowing your lawn like a quivering pussy? Then shut the fuck up and buy the GRASS-FUCKE…
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Street Fight
October 2020
Biker #1: You shouldn’t have knocked that drink out of my hand in there. Now you’re gon…
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Vanagon
December 2020
Ever since I was little, I wanted a vanagon. I worked for fifty years to get one — mailr…
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Hammurabi
12
July 2021
After the success of his first 282 laws, the Babylonian lawgiver released a less popular but more n…
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My Dog and All My Coworkers’ Dogs All Got Food Poisoning From the Office Dog Food Stash and It Was Really Awful and Sad
14
September 2021
Monday Me: (crying at desk).Lisa: Sorry to hear about your Maltese dog, Doug. When my su…
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Vanitas
October 2020
Dear Judging Committee for the American Society for Magazine Editors, I notice you have not been r…
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Charlie and the Next Successor
November 2019
It was time for old Charlie to pick the next child to take over the chocolate factory just as Willy…
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Ray Charles
December 2020
For forty years I’ve been Ray Charles’s private caretaker, helping make his dreams come…
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My Piece About What It Would Be Like If I Wrote A Piece for the FYC #
October 2020
– What started out as a frankly disgusting case of unbelievable obesity had snowballed into a…
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What I Imagine Summer Camp is Like
December 2020
1. Toodle-ee-doo! The trumpet song wakes me up—time to canoe to breakfast. 2. I eat slop wit…
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Discovery Kids Pilot Episode
July 2018
– We’re in KidLand! ClapClapClap Having fun with the Kidman! ClapClapClap That’s …
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Barbershop Quartet
January 2020
Lead: Fellas, meet the new fifth member of our quartet–Tom! Bass: Swell to meet ya Tom! Bar…
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Snails Need Love Too
November 2019
A darkly handsome bladesman stood at the edge of the clearing. I didn’t recognize him, but hi…
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College
October 2020
Kid: Well, I guess this is it, huh? Mom: Our baby boy, going to college. You know I remember when …
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Ashes
1
March 2019
-Well hereeeee you go Mrs. Johnson — your very own son’s ashes. -Why, doctor, these as…
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SNOWED IN
10
January 2020
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency? Me: I’m… stuck, in my cabin. I need human…
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Safari
September 2020
“And here you’ll see the world’s fastest animal, the cheetah. A beautiful example…
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Dandelion Tales
May 2021
Heineken in one hand and Paradise Lost essay in the other, Dandelion cruised down Lafayette at a co…
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At The Airport With My Least Favorite Uncle
5
April 2020
Uncle: Hey, Martin! Martin! Sit with me! Martin: I gotta get on my plane. Uncle: Where’re y…
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Goin’ West
December 2020
Uh oh. I did it again. Fell asleep after all the kids got on the bus, so now I gotta get all these …