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Pieces

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At a wedding reception
October 2020
Well, here goes nothing… (jumps up on table) Ahem! Mr. and Mrs. Martinez, I can’t le…
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New Cat
December 2020
So a couple days ago my wife and I decided to restart the old marriage. Seeing as I’m impoten…
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My Ideas for Hallmark Cards
16
- I’m sorry I spilled your drink - It shouldn’t matter what’s in the cup, whethe…
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Inspired Musings
1
December 2020
Scientists say that the murder rate goes up when there is a full moon. But so does the rate of peop…
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Therapy
63
January 2022
Okay, Nathan. Now tell me what you see in this picture.  That’s a headshot of you, bu…
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Hammurabi
13
July 2021
After the success of his first 282 laws, the Babylonian lawgiver released a less popular but more n…
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TV Salesman
13
October 2020
Bread the TV Salesman started the day like any other: with a hot cup of coffee and a curse to his m…
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Rare
December 2020
Some things are less rare than you think. Winning the Lottery My friend Rigley won the lottery ye…
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Package Delivery FAQ
18
Q: I had issues receiving the correct product. What should I do? A: Name which of the following sc…
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Retirement Compound Salesman
14
November 2020
Apt. 1B: Hello there! How often have you dropped that Life Alert of yours into the toilet? At your …
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Commercial Shoot
December 2020
-Listen, kid. This is easy. Just read off the teleprompter, and we’re golden. Start whenever.…
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Larry takes a trip on Delta Airlines Flight 460 to Las Vegas
March 2020
Patricia: Hello everyone and welcome to Delta Airlines Flight 460 to Las Vegas. My name is Patricia…
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A Retelling of Jaws By Someone Who Has Definitely Seen It
13
October 2020
Jaws…yes. Jaws is the story of a very big shark. Everyone knows that. Especially those who h…
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Ice Gun
September 2021
- You know that I love and support you, right? - Of course. - And that goes for anything, includi…
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Relax
10
October 2018
Welcome to my zen meditation studio, kemosabe. Now get those clothes off and get on the table, the …
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Amnesia
1
October 2019
– John? I mean uh, excuse me random stranger? – What do you want? – I have amne…
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Eulogy of George
December 2020
Good morning everyone. I know we all loved George. And I know most of you guys probably don’t…
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Larry Buys Condoms
20
March 2020
Larry: Hey, can I get some rubbers.  Clerk: Yeah, sure, what kind of johnny you looking for, …
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Why I Wish I Was a Green Boy Instead of a Blue Boy
10
December 2020
I was born a blue boy, but my whole life I’ve wanted to be a big green boy. Green boys get to…
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Crying in the Rain
1
October 2020
And I mean yeah they can’t see you cry in the rain, but shit right through your pants? People…