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Pieces

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Apology to the Reader’s of Squid Digest’s April 2013 Issue
September 2020
Readers, we would like to retract a statement we made in our most recent issue. After multiple onli…
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Exam Locations
4
May 2018
Last Names A- Y: Harding Room 2121 Last Name Zanderson: Arrive at the boarded up Liquor-Max on Was…
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The Time I Got Caught Milking
10
February 2020
One time I was at the farm, milking some cows when Bobby, the guy that owns the farm, comes out run…
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Buzzer
November 2019
– Hey dude how do we know our pizza is ready for pick-up? – The buzzer they gave us. …
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Birthday Card
October 2008
GRANDFATHER: Here’s a card from me. Happy birthday. SON: Thanks, grandpa. MOTHER: Read it a…
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Larry’s Donation
February 2020
Larry inhaled for a second, let the shivers pass, and proceeded to wipe the spunk off the glossy ma…
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My Dog and All My Coworkers’ Dogs All Got Food Poisoning From the Office Dog Food Stash and It Was Really Awful and Sad
14
September 2021
Monday Me: (crying at desk).Lisa: Sorry to hear about your Maltese dog, Doug. When my su…
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Store Closing
December 2020
To Our Valued Customers, I regret to inform you that here at Frank’s Drugstore and Candy Emp…
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Love Song
November 2020
This next song goes out to Janet Fisher, a very special girl in my life. Janet are you here tonight…
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The Flu Game
10
May 2021
And Jordan moves left… Spins around Stockton… Wretches nine times and DRAINS the mid-…
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Eulogy of George
December 2020
Good morning everyone. I know we all loved George. And I know most of you guys probably don’t…
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Late
170
January 2022
I look down at the watch tattooed on my wrist. It’s 10:00. Fuck. I look up at my wall clock t…
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Advice For A New CIA Agent
2
October 2008
Welcome to your first day in the CIA. First of all, congratulations. If you’re an agent, you …
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How McDonalds Came Up With Grimace
21
May 2021
Businessman: As I was saying, what do kids love? Characters! We just ran with that. Businesswoman:…
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New Cat
December 2020
So a couple days ago my wife and I decided to restart the old marriage. Seeing as I’m impoten…
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Tuxedo
September 2020
Glad I’ve got someone interested in buying Tuxedo. My father died in this tuxedo, and then it…
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Hell
November 2020
There’s a special place in hell for weird guys who can’t be kept in the regular part of…
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That Guy
March 2020
-Hey, who is that?-That guy, over there? I don’t know.-He must be pretty important-What makes…
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Vanagon
December 2020
Ever since I was little, I wanted a vanagon. I worked for fifty years to get one — mailr…
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Secret Journal
4
December 2021
-Hey, I found the quiet kid’s journal—it’s all about the popular kids and how he&…